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| the world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. we can only lie to ourselves for so long.
we are tired. we are scared. denying it doesn't change the truth.
sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing.
denial. it's not just a river in egypt.
it's a freakin ocean.
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| when i read back on old xanga entries, i kinda miss who i used to be. i mean, there were obvious aspects that i don't wish upon myself again, but i guess i just miss self-reflective me. yes, it got kinda depressing and gothic sometimes, but it was only when i reflected deep enough to confront my inner wars that i ever experienced any genuine growth.
this semester was, by far, the most miserable of the many i've experienced here in chambana. when my close friends, church responsibilities, and work/school stability were all notably absent, i found that i was not as strong as i had ever perceived myself to be. it's easy to convince yourself of wonderful things about yourself when life is going the way you'd planned. but when it's not and you're stripped of the things you used to depend on, it can be pretty sad what you find--or maybe what you don't find--at your core.
i have a personal blog, but i think i'm gonna try doing xanga again for a little bit. it used to promote a deeper sense of self-reflection because i wanted to express myself, and it simultaneously helped foster my creative/poetic/gay writing skills. i said i was gonna do it last school year and didn't, so i'll hope for better this time around.
glory hallelujah, first semester is over.
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| random things floating around in my head, driving me crazy bc of their obvious lack of easy answers:
do people really change? it seems heretical to ask that, but i don't know. there seem to always be patterns. people may have moments of clarity, but will they always be followed by periods of relapse? and this isn't just referring to sin in general, but specific patterns of thought and action.
where do you draw the line between loving others and being abused by them? is it okay to just let people know that you'll always be there when it appears to only be setting things up for further hurt and failure later on? how do you really give of yourself fully while expecting nothing in return?
do we have choices over the things that happen internally? i remember talking to someone who really wanted to love God, like REALLY wanted to so badly that she was crying, but she just didn't know how to. it's not enough to just say it or do things about it, so where does that leave us? the answer is clearly not to just give up on it bc we know that we shouldn't, but does that same "i shouldn't" principle apply in other contexts as well? and now...some questions with actual answers.
do i ever learn? answer: no.
do i ever make wise decisions? answer: no.
do i ever love the right God? answer: no.
do i make it so easy to walk in and out of my life? answer: yes.
am i losing to the cynic after running for so long? answer: yes. anyways. i have a lot to say on the books i've read the past two weeks. i clearly need to keep reading something bc, otherwise, this is what happens to my brain...meditating on my worthlessness and dwelling in my stupidity rather than knowing that i am united with christ and believing that the Lord (somehow) sees us as one. all i want is to believe in redemption. somehow, God still has a plan. somehow. somehow... | | |
| this may sound like an exaggeration, but i don't think i've ever thought and read and journaled and prayed so much in a week in my life. sparked by the amazing, insightful writings of donald miller in blue like jazz, i began to reconsider what my understanding of spirituality really is. the book seriously made me laugh and cry and i finished it in about three days. after school when i would grade, i would use reading a chapter as a reward to motivate me to grade more efficiently. the way he would explain his relationship with God was so down-to-earth and relatable, and he found it unnecessary to use excessively spiritual jargon to explain something that was so real and active in his life. and he found traces of God in all these situations in his life and could see the working of God's love in them. and plus, he seemed like this neurotic cynic, and that spoke to me deeply heh. as i continued to think and pray about the things he wrote about concerning God, love, life, etc., i began to see how much i know nothing. like seriously, nothing. how UNspiritual, how UNholy i am. how much i cannot judge anybody else EVER bc i have no idea what i'm doing or who i am either. and listening to p.milo and natalie at their coffeehouse was seriously eye-opening and ridiculously challenging. especially when natalie was sharing about the different things she was going through as a stinkin JUNIOR in college, i just thought...wow. i'm ridiculously immature. what the freaks am i doing. anyways. it's late so i want to expound more later, but i did want to mention the enormity of the book's impact in my thinking process and how much listening to these wiser people share rocked me. more to come! buy blue like jazz like right now! it will be the best $14 ever. | | |
| i've decided to come back to xanga. let me tell you why. my lent commitment this year was not difficult for me. i gave up facebook, which i wasted a considerable amount of time on, and that was it. it's funny bc the realization that i came to was that the body typically adjusts itself to change fairly quickly. for example, in my case, it may have been a little weird for the first day or two to not look at it and to have time freed up from all the daily mindless inquiry, but after that initial adjustment period, it was like i had never been on it in the first place. i didn't lie in bed and think, wow i really wish i had facebook again. i really wish i could look at those pictures and be in the know about all the new relationships springing up. no no, very little to none of that. i just spent that time i would have typically been wasting on facebook to do other things, some good some bad. so it wasn't difficult bc i just had more free time, and i did other things. easy. now. i think the soul works in a parallel way. my purpose in giving up facebook was not bc facebook is inherently diabolical; the purpose of abstaining from it was so that my soul would benefit, that i would better spend my time on godly practices and allow my mind to think about more pertinent things. however, my soul adjusted to the commitment in the same way that my body did: easily. the unfortunate thing about all this is that the soul falling into things easily is not what one should wish for bc, more often than not, it signifies the soul numbing itself to things even intended for good at the beginning. if God is primarily a God of the heart and not a God of the external, the one commitment made with good intentions at the beginning is of course pleasing to Him. however, two weeks, one month, one year later, if it has become mere habit, the internal fight that He so loves has dissipated, and there is nothing pleasing about pharaisaically adhering to some commitment i have forgotten the intent of long ago. so as silly as this sounds, i'm going to make a new, post-lent commitment to start xangaing again in order to chronicle the things i'm thinking and learning. it would be great if i had enough discipline in me to do it daily on my own, but my self-evaluation is sporadic at best, and typically my journal entries lately have become more angry/depressing venting and less self-reflecting. and furthermore, i've realized that i love reading a good blog, an interesting opinion, a challenging real-life parable that someone i know is experiencing. so in case something i am learning or going through is beneficial to someone else as well, i'm gonna write it here. and hopefully, since i am typically careful of the things i put into writing, this won't be another mindless commitment, but it will be something that forces me, both body and soul, to evaluate whether or not the jesus i spend so much time "with" is an actual reality in my life. so happy reading. and feel free to write too bc i do believe that xanga > facebook for sure and we should SO bring it back YAY :) one picture from last night's dinner. hands down, my friends are the best things in my life this year:
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